What not to say...the school nurse edition

I may not hold as much power as some folks do in the high school hierarchy (office ladies and building engineers probably tie for the win in that category), but I do have some "pull". So, here's a brief crash course of What Not to Say when you need something from the nurse

• Never should you start the conversation with "My daughter is a cheerleader". First of all, I wasn't nor do I care that she is a cheerleader (though the Big Cheese boss was, but that's not the reason I respect her leadership style). But, seriously, in my years of medical work, never has cheerleader been a major factor in any health related concern. When the mom continues on to state that Princess is passing out and needs to be able to bring a snack into the classroom, along with maybe some juice, I stop the mom right there. "I'll be happy to provide some sort of pass and note to the teachers if you can submit a note from her doctor that these things are medically indicated". Mom of course notes that well "they don't really know why she is doing this, so there isn't a diagnosis". Oh, I can help out with that part...perhaps it is because SHE"S A CHEERLEADER?!
• Never should you start the conversation with "Well, I got my lip pierced yesterday". OK, if it is before class, during lunch or your off period, I might be willing to help you out. Last time I checked, body piercings of all types were elective. Elective means you don't need to miss class to get a bag of ice...and certainly not when you have had the previous 90 minutes off and never felt the need to come get some ice during your time.
• Never should you claim to not have the funds to purchase "girl stuff" (it's only a quarter, and you've come in for the past 3 days without the quarter) and then immediately start to diss my selection of "stuff". Seriously? If you don't like what we've got, then perhaps bring your own (um, hello, this wasn't a Mother Nature surprise...Day 3 sistah...see that big backpack you've got? Am quiet certain there is room for one tiny kotex in there).

As you can see, we're back in school mode. In case you ever wondered, no...there is little if any "honeymoon period" to the foolish side of school nursing.

Delayed

Thing Two goes to middle school right next door to my school. His day ends about 15 minutes after our high schoolers get out. The plan is that he is to come to my office and then we head home together.

This afternoon, he struts into my clinic, grinning from ear to ear saying "I'm sorry I was late, Mom...but I was delayed"

"Delayed?" I asked "by what?"

"The CHEERLEADERS!" he proudly announced.

Ego tripping

It started when they invited me to join them for lunch...yeah, the cool kids let me in on where they all sit and eat lunch together. I hear that previous nurse NEVER reached this status with the office team.

Now today, I arrived to find a very sick teacher, surrounded by some concerned co-workers and administrators. We quickly sent her off to urgent care, when I remarked "my guess is it is kidney stones".

Sure enough, later on the boss lady comes to tell me "you were right, it was kidney stones". She was gushing in her praise of my assessment.

They think I'm a genius...oh my, it really does pay to be the only medical type in the building. Because seriously? it's a rather n0-brainer if it presents in a typical fashion.

Oh well...I'll gladly take another hit to the ego...
Yep, it's been a good week (even if I'm exhausted from sorting through thousands of pieces of paper without a tech to help me stay sane...)

You like what?

Driving with the Things this morning, the Teen-thing randomly blurts out "I like porn"

What? I try to remain calm...remember, this is the quirky Thing...things aren't always as they seem.

I replied with a "What did you say?"
He must have realized he goofed up as he quickly added "Oh, I meant I like the word porn".

"Now, son, what are you talking about?" (getting a little more worried where this conversation is headed)

Blushing he said," You know pictures of the girls".
heart starting to race a little faster, stay calm, don't frighten him off

"With or without clothes?" I cautiously ask

"Eww, Mom, that's gross...why would anyone like to look at pictures of girls without their clothes on?"

Ah...that's the answer I needed to hear. Crisis averted!

Career "firsts"

You'd think after working as a nurse on/off for 23 years, there would be few "firsts" still be experienced. I remember the first time the doctors ended up being younger than me. I remember the first time I had a male boss (nursing is still a mostly female profession, even military health care). And there were of course all the other standard nursing firsts: your first successful IV start on the first stick, your first med error (you will make one, it is only a matter of time), and of course your first patient death (which for me was followed by another death the next day, and two more the day after. Death does not come in just threes when you work on a geriatric medical surgical unit in the days before Hospice).

What's left? Well, my school boss...is a former cheerleader. Never would I have seen that coming. Nursing people tend to have been band geeks, or science freaks. Maybe a couple of us went out for a sport or two. But typically cheerleaders just aren't drawn towards blood and other bodily fluids.
And tonight is my other first....I have to attend a meeting at the school. The "all coaches" call. Yeah, me Miss non-sports fan sitting in a room full of jocks. But, we all need to know about the plans for rapidly responding to possible head injuries...so off I'll go.

And to think that a team meeting is going to result in my missing Back-to-School night for the younger Thing. Never would I have predicted that...there is indeed...always a first!

The truth is in the laundry...

Everyone warned me. Boys and their desire to bathe will diminish during the tween-teen years.
No, not Thing One. He loves his showers and his baths.

Um, yeah...even he has fallen off the shower wagon.

How did I discover it?
Folding laundry, I counted 7 pairs of boxers for the Hubby and 7 for the younger thing.

Anyone want to guess how many of Thing One's shorts I found?
TWO...two pairs....

Dude, take a shower...AND change your briefs!
Girls don't like a stinky boy...nor does your mama.